Zen And... chapter one: writing

What of the Moon in the Sky

I was fourteen years old when I first read about zen. I visited a koi pond garden, in East Perth, Western Australia. There were koans written into many large stones around the pond.

“Is the moon in the water wet, what of the moon in the sky”

I decided that I scientifically knew the answer, so I skipped away. It was not until I was on the drive home when I saw a pelicans image reflected on the banks of the Canning River, and I realised the koan was not actually asking a question. I have been fascinated by zen ever since.
So what is zen? I define it as everything in the universe, everything there has ever been and everything there ever will be, being experienced all at once.

Others define it as: a school of Buddhism which emphasises the practice of meditation to awaken your inner nature, compassion and wisdom. But these words; Buddhism, meditation, inner nature, compassion, wisdom… they arise wildly different feelings and judgements depending on your life experiences. Zen is concerned with removing these judgements, by offering an opportunity to absorb all past and present life learnings, into everything else. That is why my definition explains what the experience feels like.

Writing about this topic is challenging, because sharing words about zen requires you to not actually be zen. How could anyone possibly share everything at once!? Instead, I have a goal to share one thing at a time while attempting to remain connected to everything. My purpose is to guide you in a particular direction by combining prose and linguistic gymnastics, and convince you to believe what you are reading is the truth. I appreciate how little I actually know about the universe, so if I ever do proclaim my words are the pure truth, then let me confess up front; I am a bald face liar. In that spirit, here is one piece of zen truth I recently received:

All that you have ever experienced in your life is so infinitesimally small compared to all there has been, or will ever exist, in the universe. There is not a number created to recognise how small of a percentage ‘you’ are, compared to everything. Perhaps the correct amount is zero. But it is not actually zero is it. But it is not more than zero either. It is both. Because it is all. As are you - the real you. Do you comprehend?


An Illustrious Debut

I am not a cave dwelling yogi. I have only experienced rare moments of enlightenment in my life. If you watched me from the grandstand and took the statistics, my zen time would total up to less than 24 hours.

I will always remember my first time. On the edge of the Indian ocean, at Leighton Beach in North Fremantle, not long after I visited that koi pond. I was camping over-night with my friend Jay and his family. As the sun was setting over the crystal deep green I was resting lush on the kind of pure white sand tourism authorities ship in from Western Sahara. The sun hit the soft swell of the Indian Ocean and the beach went quiet. It was like we were all injected with some kind of humility serum, watching a dissolving red energy ball. I was mesmerised. Most of us forget that the first thing we fall in love with is the sun.

Jay broke me out of my spell, smashing a water balloon in my chest. I grabbed two hands full of sand and chased him in to the ocean. Later that night, wrapped in my sleeping bag and swaying to the sound of soft crashing waves, memories of the sunset came back to me. I felt like I was everywhere and nowhere in that moment. I hoped I would go back there in dream space, but I didn’t. I soon realised it is not something you simply turn off and on and I remember how exciting that notion made me feel about the entire experience, like I briefly touched magic. It is my happiest childhood memory.
When I look directly into the sun all of my inner doubts disappear. It is the closest to being one with the universe that I have experienced. My quiet being knows that without the sun I don’t exist. No animals, no plants, no warmth, no light, no earth, it both feeds and absorbs everything. All of my stories, all of my self criticism, my behaviour, my creativity, my anger, my kindness, my fear and my compassion. It absorbs me without moving an inch.

The sun will be around for twelve billion years and I see my being-ness connected to it intrinsically; a small spark of energy emanating out from the source. A solar flare in a flesh suit whose energy will also be around for twelve billions years. Looking at the sun puts my last few decades into context and gives me wisdom well beyond my usual viewpoint. This is zen.


Falling

Six months later it happened again. It was a Sunday morning in mid May and I jumped on the family phone to call my adolescent crush. She fascinated me like the sun but she felt like the moon; dark, different, sensitive and magnetic - a goddess in my yearning eyes. We spoke for hours listening to a radio station countdown of the worlds most wanted alternative songs. Another Girl Another Planet by The Only Ones came on, and everything that ever was and ever will be flooded into my body, including her spark and heart. At the time I didn’t realise what this falling in love feeling actually is; to experience the entire universe all at once.

This energetic power, thrust into the soul of a fourteen year old, was not something I could fathom. So I reacted with fear and placed my inner calm into the hands of another human being. Worse still, I placed it there without asking her if I could. Then I silently hoped she would reciprocate the gift she wasn’t even made aware she was given. Then I felt devastated that she didn’t. So then I enveloped that hope and I chose to identify as a heartbroken teenager. I turned the world into a snake pit of unrequited desire and attachment.

The sun didn’t shine for a long time after that. I either had to stay dark and blame the world for my predicament, or equip myself with more knowledge about what these zen experiences mean. I spent many years jumping between these options. But now, whenever I hear Another Girl Another Planet, I feel sunlight, and when I think about my adolescent crush, I see the moon in the water and the sky.


The Dirty Word

Having spiritual experiences when you are more concerned with fitting in with others, instead of being one with the universe, can be quite challenging. We live in a world where we are not taught to expect enlightenment or trained to understand the meaning of life. Generally, the world asks you to ignore these things and embrace the alternative; to fight for status and be rewarded with social and material benefits. And so, we feed our ego.

You could say that zen involves zero ego, but it is better described that zen is not concerned about the ego at all. Like a wise old dog ignoring the incessant nipping of a puppy. Zen absorbs my ego into everything in the universe and my ego hates that. It feels belittled and victimised.
“We are far too important for that Glenn!” - it tells me.
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And when I listen, I live a life where my ego runs rife and zen is nowhere to be seen. Eventually a brief moment comes where the sunlight creeps in. I stop fighting to control everything and I start feeling content. In that moment I have a decision to make. Do I let myself cruise here, feeling happy, or do I turn back down that one-way road of control? It is this crossroad I am reaching very often lately.
Take writing this article as an example: there have been many moments I have felt a compulsive desire to take the zen away. Review it, edit it, try to make it sound cool, try to connect it to a certain person, try to sell it, try to be clever, try to inflate my self-worth. Etc. Etc. There are so many attractive advertising signs on my one-way road of control. But I think it is resonant to wait a little while on the edge of the crossroad and always give zen a chance to invite me somewhere else. To at least consider the scenic route on zen’s ad-free cosmic skyway, before deciding my next destination.

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Last year I went searching for that old koi pond in East Perth. I think it was destroyed by a new apartment building. Or maybe I imagined it.